how much for the fence

A man strolls into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some condoms.
She asks, ''What size please?''
''Good question," he replies, " I'm not sure,"
''Tell ya what. Right outside, there's a fence with three holes in it,
stick your dick in the holes and tell me which one it fits in,''
suggests the lady.
So he takes her advise, goes outside and puts his dick in the first
hole. A woman walks past, see's his dick and starts feeling it.
The man thinks, ''Hey, this ain't too bad.''
Then he puts his dick in the second hole, another woman walks by, and
gives him a blow job. At this point, he is literally blown away.
He quickly shoves his dick in the last hole, and yet another woman
walks by, and she starts to shag him.
After they are done rocking, he high-steps it back inside and goes to
the counter.
The assistant asks ''What size then?''
"Forget the condoms," says the man, "how much for the fence?"

Who's he going to tell

One Sunday morning, a priest wakes up and decides to go golfing. He
calls his boss and says that he feels very sick, and won't be able to
go to work.

Way up in heaven, Saint Peter sees all this and asks God, ''Are you
really going to let him get away with this?''

''No, I guess not,'' says God.

The priest drives about five to six hours away, so he doesn't bump
into anyone he knows. The golf course is empty when he gets there. So
he takes his first swing, drives the ball 495 yards away and gets a
hole in one.

Saint Peter watches in disbelief and asks, '' Why did you let him do that?''

To this God says, ''Who's he going to tell?''

Keep Going

Spend 5 minutes in reading the great story underneath.




One day I decided to quit...
I quit my job, my relationship, my spirituality. ..
I wanted to quit my life.
I went to the woods to have one last talk with God.
'God', I said. 'Can you give me one good reason not to quit?'


His answer surprised me...


'Look around', He said. 'Do you see the fern and the bamboo?'


'Yes', I replied.
'When I planted the fern and the bamboo seeds,
I took very good care of them.
I gave them light. I gave them water.
The fern quickly grew from the earth.
Its brilliant green covered the floor.
Yet nothing came from the bamboo seed.
But I did not quit on the bamboo.


In the second year the Fern grew more vibrant and plentiful.
And again, nothing came from the bamboo seed.
But I did not quit on the bamboo. He said.
'In the third year, there was still nothing from the bamboo seed.
But I would not quit.
In the fourth year, again, there was nothing from the bamboo seed.
'I would not quit.' He said.
'Then in the fifth year a tiny sprout emerged from the earth.
Compared to the fern it was seemingly small and insignificant. ..
But just 6 months later the bamboo rose to over 100 feet tall.


It had spent the five years growing roots.
Those roots made it strong and gave it what it needed to survive.


I would not give any of my creations a challenge it could not handle.'
He said to me. 'Did you know, my child, that all this time you have
been struggling,
you have actually been growing roots'


'I would not quit on the bamboo. I will never quit on you.'
'Don't compare yourself to others.' He said.
'The bamboo had a different purpose than the fern.
Yet, they both make the forest beautiful.'
'Your time will come', God said to me. 'You will rise high!'
'How high should I rise?' I asked.


'How high will the bamboo rise?' He asked in return.
'As high as it can?' I questioned.
'Yes.' He said, 'Give me glory by rising as high as you can.'
I left the forest and bring back this story.


I hope these words can help you see that God will never give up on you.
He will never give up on you.


Never regret a day in your life.
Good days give you happiness;
Bad days give you experiences;
Both are essential to life.


Keep going....

If seen the movie " Wednesday"...( Rephrased) for all the engineers...

All of you who have seen the movie  'Wednesday'... will love these rephrased naseerudin shah dialogue's...


Project Manager Rathore : kaun ho tum..??? kya pehcan hai tumhari ?

Unkonwn Caller :  Kaun hoon mein...mein vo hu jo aaj committment karne se darta hai, Mein vo hoon jo aaj ghar jaane se darta ha, ye soch ke kahin ghar wale pehchanne se inkar na kar de...

mein vo hoon jo, aaj job change karta hai to sochta hai ki kahin recession mein mujhe company se na nikal de..

mein vo hoon jiski girlfriend usse friday  ko dus bar phone karti hai, "kya kar rahe ho..?? kaam jyada hai..?? thak gaye ho..?? "
mera haal poochne ke liye ya kaam poochne ke liye nahi,  rathore saab... balki vo ye jaanaa chahti hai ki... kahin hamesha ki tarah end moment pe
boss ke bulane pe mein saturdary ki date cancel to nahi kar raha...

mein vo hoon jo breakfast ke time pe dinner karta hai, lunch time pe breakfast karta hai, dinner ke time pe lunch karta hai.. vo bhi time mil jae to...

mein vo hoon jo aksar phasta hain
kabhi Interviews ke sawaal mey phasta hai , kabhi Badi companiyon ke jaal mey phasta hai, kabhi boss  aur client ke bawaal mey fasta hai.

Walk-In ki bheed  to dekhi hogi aapne rathore saab... us bheed mein se ko bhi chehra chun lijie.. mein vo hoon..

I'm the…..STUPID SOFTWARE ENGINEER....

Does heart have legs

Little Johnny once asked his teacher "Does heart have legs?."
The teacher answered "Why do you ask that?"
Johnny replied "Yesterday, I heard my dad say sweetheart open your legs.

Specialist Advice by Little Johnny

Specialist Advice:

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer ; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? 

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? 

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ....... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me? 

A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure? 

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle? 

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:

'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride' AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat

And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat

And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine

And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine

And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.

Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Fwd: Power of Media and News ChaNneLs

The year is 2020 and India's much awaited MAN-ON-THE-MOON mission is successful. The first Indian astronaut lands on the moon. The moment he steps his foot on moon he is shocked to see 2 Indians already present on the moon.
 
The astronaut asks them : "Who are u?"

Reply:
"Cameraman Santosh ke saath Deepak Chourasiya…...AAJ TAK"