Directly From Haryana

Teacher: Tum bade hokar kya karoge ? Student: shaadi..!!!!!! Teacher: nahi,mera matlab hai kya banoge? Student: dulha.!!!!!!!!!!! Teacher: oh,i mean bade hokar kya hasil karoge? Student: dulhan Teacher: IDIOTmera matlab bade ho kar mummy papa k liye kya karoge? Student- bahu launga Teacher: stupid tumare papa tumse kya chahte hai? Student: pota Teacher: he bhagwan, tumari zindagi ka kya maksad hai? Student: hum do humare do, jab tak teasra nahi ho...!!!!!!......

HR Skills -- Choose Heaven or Hell

One day while walking down the street, a highly successful Human
Resources Manager was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul
arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St.
Peter himself.

"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in
though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've
never once had a Human Resources Manager make it this far and we're
not really sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do
is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can
choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven",
said the woman

"Sorry, we have rules..."

And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went
down-down-down to hell.

The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting
green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club
and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives
that she had worked with and they were well dressed in evening gowns
and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and
they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf
and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent
steak and lobster dinner.

She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kind n cute) and
she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a
good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody
shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator.

The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and
found St. Peter waiting for her.

"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the
next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and
singing. She had great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were
up and St. Peter came and got her.

"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now
you must choose your eternity,"

The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought
I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I
think I had a better time in Hell."

So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went
down-down-down back to Hell.

When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a
desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends
were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in
sacks.

The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.

"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and
there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we
danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage
and all my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at her smiled and told...
...
...
....
....
....
.....
....
"Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're an Employee"

Passbook - Really good one !!

Priya married Hitesh this day. At the end of the wedding party,

Priya's mother gave her a newly opened bank saving passbook.

With Rs.1000 deposit amount.

Mother: Priya, take this passbook. Keep it as a record of your marriage life.

When there's something happy and memorable happened in your new life,
put some money in.

Write down what it's about next to the line.

The more memorable the event is, the more money you can put in.

I've done the first one for you today.

Do the others with Hitesh.

When you look back after years, you can know how much happiness you've had.'

Priya shared this with Hitesh when getting home.

They both thought it was a great idea and were anxious to know when
the second deposit can be made.

This was what they did after certain time:

- 7 Feb: Rs.100, first birthday celebration for Hitesh after marriage

- 1 Mar: Rs.300, salary raise for Priya

- 20 Mar: Rs.200, vacation trip to Bali

- 15 Apr: Rs.2000, Priya got pregnant

- 1 Jun: Rs.1000, Hitesh got promoted

.... and so on...

However, after years, they started fighting and arguing for trivial things.

They didn't talk much.

They regretted that they had married the most nasty people in the
world.... no more love...

Kind of typical nowadays, huh?

One day Priya talked to her Mother:

'Mom, we can't stand it anymore. We agree to divorce.

I can't imagine how I decided to marry this guy!!!'

Mother: 'Sure, girl, that's no big deal.

Just do whatever you want if you really can't stand it.

But before that, do one thing first.

Remember the saving passbook I gave you on your wedding day?

Take out all money and spend it first.

You shouldn't keep any record of such a poor marriage.'

Priya thought it was true.

So she went to the bank, waiting at the queue and planning to cancel
the account.

While she was waiting, she took a look at the passbook record.

She looked, and looked, and looked.

Then the memory of all the previous joy and happiness just came up her mind.

Her eyes were then filled with tears.

She left and went home.

When she was home, she handed the passbook to Hitesh, asked him to
spend the money before getting divorce.

The next day, Hitesh gave the passbook back to Priya.

She found a new deposit of Rs.5000. And a line next to the record:

'This is the day I notice how much I've loved you thru out all these years.

How much happiness you've brought me.'

They hugged and cried, putting the passbook back to the safe.

Do you know how much money they had saved when they retired?

I did not ask.

I believe the money did not matter any more after they had gone thru
all the good years in their life.


"When you fall, in any way, Don't see the place where you fell,
Instead see the place from where you slipped.
Life is about correcting mistakes."

Well Said - Very Interesting

Jeevan me kamyab hone ke liye 3 factory lagao…

(1)   Dimag me Ice factory.
(2)   Zuban par Sugar factory.
(3)   Dil me Love factory.

Phir life hogi satisfactory~!~!~!
 
 
 
 

 

 

 

Relationship…



 

Ek din Sagar ne Nadi se pucha:

Kab tak milati rahogi mujhe meethe pani se ???
Nadi ne haskar kaha :
Jab tak tujh me mithas na aa jaye tab tak !!!
Thats "RELATIONSHIP…" ~~

 

 

 

 

Be Positive Always !!!

 
One tree makes 1 Lakh matchsticks.
But one matchstick can burn 1 Lakh trees.
Similarly one negative thought or doubt can  burn thousands of dreams…
Be Positive Always!!!
 

 

 

 

 

 

Chehre ki hasi se har gam chupao,
Bahut kuch bolo par kuch na batao...
Khud na rutho kabhi, par sabko manao
Ye Raz hai Zindagi ka,
Bas Jite chale jao!!!  

 

 

 

 

 

Wah Prabhu kya teri leela hai:
 
Chuha Billi se darta hai,
Billi Kutte se darti hai,
Kutta Aadmi se darta hai,
Aadmi Biwi se darta hai,

 


Aur Biwi Chuhhe se darti hai!!!  

 

 

 

Appraisal Process....

The Art of Appraisal

Big Boss: This year your performance was good, excellent and outstanding. So, your rating is "average".

Kumar: What? How come 'average'?

Big Boss: Because...err. ..uhh...you lack domain knowledge.

Kumar: But last year you said I am a domain expert and you put me in this project as a domain consultant.

Big Boss: Oh is it? Well, in that case, I think your domain knowledge has eroded this year.

Kumar: What???

Big Boss: Yes, I didn't see you sharing knowledge on Purchasing domain.

Kumar: Why would I? Because I am not in Purchasing, I am in Manufacturing.

Big Boss: This is what I don't like about you. You give excuse for everything.

Kumar: Huh? *Confused*

Big Boss: Next, you need to improve your communication skills.

Kumar: Like what? I am the one who trained the team on "Business Communication" , you sat in the audience and took notes, you remember?

Big Boss: Oh is it? Errr...well. .I mean, you need to improve your Social Pragmatic Affirmative Communication.

Kumar: Huh? What the hell is that? *Confused*

Big Boss: See! That's why you need to learn about it.

Kumar: *head spinning*

Big Boss: Next, you need to sharpen your recruiting skills. All the guys you recruited left within 2 months.

Kumar: Well, not my mistake. You told them you will sit beside them and review their code, and most resigned the next day itself. Couple of them even attempted suicide.

Big Boss:*stunned* (recovers from shock) Err...anyway, I tried to give you a better rating, but our Normalization process gave you only 'average'.

Kumar: Last year that process gave me 'excellent'. This year just 'average'? Why is this process pushing me up and down every year?

Big Boss: That's a complicated process. You don't want to hear.

Kumar: I'll try to understand. Go ahead.

Big Boss: Well, we gather in a large room, write down the names of sub-ordinates in bits of paper, and throw them up in the air. Whichever lands on the floor gets 'average', whichever lands on table gets 'good', whichever we manage to catch gets 'excellent' and whichever gets stuck to ceiling gets 'outstanding' .

Kumar: (eyes popping out) What? Ridiculous! So who gets 'poor' rating?

Big Boss: Those are the ones we forget to write down.

Kumar: What the hell! And how can paper bits stick to ceiling for 'outstanding' ?

Big Boss: Oh no, now you have started questioning our 20 year old organizational process!

Kumar: *faints*

Just have fun!

In this world, one single rule applies to the men:

Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points.
Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.
You don't get any points for doing something she expects.
Sorry,  that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed (+1)
You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) In the rain (+8) But return with Beer (-5)
You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)
You pummel it with iron rod (+10)
It's her pet (-10)

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
You stay by her side the entire party (0)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college buddy (-2)
Named Rita (-4)
Rita is a dancer (-6)
Rita is single and is really beautiful (-80)

HER BIRTHDAY
You forget her birthday (-50000)
You take her out to dinner (0)
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1)
Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)
And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colours of your favourite team (-10)

A NIGHT OUT
You take her to a movie (+2)
You take her to a movie she likes (+4)
You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
You take her to a movie you like (-2)
It's called 'DeathCop' (-3)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawa iian shirts (-30)
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-8000)

ENJOY THE 'BIG' QUESTION
She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) [Yes, you LOSE points no matter WHAT]
You hesitate in responding (-10)
You reply, "Where?" (-35)
Any other response (-20)

COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem , you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned __expression (0)
You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-10000)
Now what chance do you have???

Pass it on to the poor fellas for info & to the gals for a good laugh ! 

Why Big B Quit KBC??

WHY BIG B QUIT KBC???

With Santa Singh 



The Story So Far... 

Santa Singh has answered 12 out of the 15 questions correct and has used all his lifelines except for "50-50" and "Phone a Friend". Santa Singh is playing the 13 th Question now which is for 25 Lacs. Let's see what happens next... J 



Amitabh Bachchan: Apka 13 th question 25 lakh ke liye, yeh raha aapke saamne aapki Computer Screen par... 

Santa Singh gets Tense... 



Amitabh Bachchan: Who is the father of Abhishek Bachchan? Your options are...





Amitabh Bachchan: To Santa Singh Jee kya Jawaab hai aapka? [He's quite sure that Santa will opt for option A] 

But Santa is surprisingly still confused... 

Amitabh Bachchan: Aapke paas abhi bhi do life line baaki hai... 50-50 and phone a friend.. Agar aap chahe to unhe use kar sakte hain. Wo aap hi ke liye banaayi gayee hai. 
Santa Singh: I think it is A, but I'm not sure. 
Amitabh Bachchan: NOT SURE!! Hmmm... Aap kya karna chahenge? 
Santa Singh: I would like to use 50-50... 
Amitabh Bachchan: Ok Computer Jee, Kripya 2 galat javab mita deejiye... 



Computer deletes two names, and leaves the following options:





Now Amitabh Bachchan gets confused and worriedly thinks if the Computer is actually right or has got some bug!. Santa Singh gets all the more Confused after the 50-50 Lifeline... 

Santa Singh: I would like to use my last life line too - Phone A Friend... 
Amitabh Bachchan: Aap kisse baat karna chahenge!? 
Santa Singh: Main aapki Misej [Mrs.] Jaya Bachan Ji ko phone karna chahoonga... 

Amitabh Bachchan almost Faints!!! But the Call gets connected to Jaya Bachchan [Thanks to AirTel J ]... 

Santa Singh: "Jayaji, Who is the father of Abhishek Bachchan!?" 

receiving reply from JAYA...BIG B is totally BLACKED OUT...


GUESS WHY????????? ?? 

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Jaya Asks...
Options kya hai ? 

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