Specialist Advice by Little Johnny

Specialist Advice:

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer ; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? 

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? 

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ....... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me? 

A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure? 

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle? 

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:

'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride' AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat

And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat

And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine

And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine

And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.

Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Fwd: Power of Media and News ChaNneLs

The year is 2020 and India's much awaited MAN-ON-THE-MOON mission is successful. The first Indian astronaut lands on the moon. The moment he steps his foot on moon he is shocked to see 2 Indians already present on the moon.
 
The astronaut asks them : "Who are u?"

Reply:
"Cameraman Santosh ke saath Deepak Chourasiya…...AAJ TAK" 

Dimag ka shottttttttttt

Julie aur Sulie do ben log rehta hai. Ben

log

maane.........judwaa.



Lekin dono main fark bole to solid. Julie

ekdum

Smart,


bole to jhakaas rapchik piece aur Sulie bole
to
ekdum halki re.


To kya hota hai maloom Sulie thee bachpan
se,
woh kya bolte hain
usko..Stubborn ..bole to ekdam yedi,
jiddi....
rehti hai.


To julie jo bhi maangti hai na...Sulie ko woh
maangta-ich hai.




Julie ko gudiya mili to Sulie ko bhi maangta tha...



Julie ko kangan mila to Sulie ko bhi mangta hai.....



Aisa karte karte bees saal guzar gaya.


To na, Julie ka shaadi ekdum karodpati ladka
ke saath




hota hai. Aur Sulie ek fatichar funtoosh se shaadi banatha hai.





Shaadi ke baad Julie Fridge leti hai baap.




Sulie bhi pati se fridge maangtihai.



Pati salla bechara garibmanus.
Lekin biwi ko khush karne ke waaste woh Fridge
khareed leta hai.




Abhi Julie agle mahine Air Conditioner khareed
dalti hai.


Sulie bhi jidd karti hai baap.
Kya Bolti Malum: AC nahin liya to khud ko tapka daloongi.


Pati bechara aur paise markeet se udhaar leta hai aur
AC khareed leta hai......! ..



Ab Julie car khareedti hai.



Suliebhi jidd karti hai.
Pati ka dimaag satak-ta hai lekin phir bhi saala karega kya,


baap ka zameen bech dalta hai aur gaadi khareedta hai.



Thode dinon ke baad Julie gaadi bech ke bus
khareedti hai. Sulie bhi jidd karti hai.... Abhi pati solid bhadakta hai baap.



Bolta hai "Ae item, ab dhimaag ka dahi mat bana..bahut ho gaya tera
natak. Abhi apun tera ek nahin sunega. Apun jaa rahela hai kya, yeda
samjha hai kya, To Sulie ko shorke woh chala jaata hai.


Sulie lekin apni gaadi bechkar aur paisa market
se uthakar bus khareed


leti hai......



To Julie aur Sulie apne apne bus main Ek din picnic ko jaata hai.



Bus ko park karke ! woh log ghoomne phirne ko jaata hai.



Wapas aake dekhta hai to saala dono bus main steering wheel gaayab,seat
gaayab, gear gaayab...sab kuch ghayab!!




Sulie julie ko dekhti hai aur kuch to bolti hai...........

Abhi Ekdum simple koschan: Sulie Julie ko

kya bolti hai??





* * Ye tu bhol-na * * * * *

* * * Abe soch...... * * *





* * * dhimag kaam nahi kar rehla hai kya? * * *






* * * Haar maan gaya kya??? * * *







* * * Accha chal bolich dalt hoon: * * *








" NA KUCH TERE BUS MEIN JULIE........ NA KUCH
MERE BUS MEIN..."




ae bhidu log, apun ko gaali nahi dene ka kya ?




aur apun ke upar gussa nai karne ka?
Apun ko bhi kisi ne subeh subeh yeh bhej kar apna bheja kharab kiya hai. Tere ko lage to tu bhi kisi ka
bheja kharab kar. par apun ka
nahi............samja kya.........!!!

 

Story.............ek lady aur tota(parrot).....

Ek din ek lady shop se parrot kharidne gyi....



Usne dukandar se kaha Wasim bhai ek tota chahaiye....



Dukandar ne usse ek tota dikaya.................



Lady ne pucha is tote ki khas bat kya hai Wasim bhai...







Dukandar bola ye tota bolta hai………………………



Lady ne kaha acha………………….



Usne tote se pucha main tumhe kaisi lagti huin?



"Bahen ki laudi randi lagti hai" tote ne kaha.





Lady ne kaha wasim bhai ye to bhut badtamij tota hai gali deta hai.



Vasim bhi use ander le gya aur pani me dubaya aur pucha...



Gali dega...



Tota. Hain dunga



Vasim ..phir dubaya aur pucha .gali dega"



Tota... hain dunga....



Vasim ne phir pani me dubaya aur kaha .gali dega..



Is bar tota maan gya aur kaha nahi dunga bhai nahi dunga,,,,,







Vo use bahar le gya aur lady se kaha ye ab gali nahi dega…………



Tab lady ne usse pucha ...



Agar mere ghar pr mere sath ek aadmi aye  to tum kya sochoge.



Tote ne kaha..ki tumhara pati hoga..



Lady..agr do aadmi aye to kya.



Tota.tumhara pati aur devar,



Lady.agr tin aadmi ..



Tota.tumhara pati ,devar,aur bhayiya.



Lady ...agr char aadmi aye to...



Tota.....











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,.,



.,



.,



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,.,



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,.,



.,



.,Wasim bhai pani lao...



Maine to pehle hi kaha tha ki



"Behen ki laudi Randi hai".

 

God and baniya...!!!

  God and Baniya...!!! 

 

A Baniya having no child, no money, no home, a blind mother, prays to God.

God happy with his prays, grants him only ONE wish!

Baniya: I want my mother to see my wife putting Diamond bangles on my Child's hands in our new home!

God: Damn !!! I still have a lot to learn from these Baniya's

Lessons learnt from the above story:-

Compile all requirements and present in one line rather boring appraiser for long time. 

Man Rules - Ladied Follow them strictly

The Man Rules
At  last a guy has taken the time to write this all down      

 

  Finally ,  the guys' side of the story.
(   I  must admit, it's pretty good.) 
We always hear   ' the rules '
From the female side  

 

  Now here are the rules from the male side.    

These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered '1 ' 
ON PURPOSE!  

 

1.   Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down..
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon 
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. 
Let us be clear on this one: 
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only  if you want help solvin g it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.


1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days. 


1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the     other one  

1. You can either ask us to do something
or tell us how you want it done. 
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it you r self.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT n eed directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not  A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no  idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, i t   will be scratched..
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .  

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or motor sports.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape.   Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight.


But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can -
to give them a laugh. 

Pass this to as many women as you can -  

                                 to give them a bigger laugh.   

Interview Questions

Interview Story I

E: Do u have a boyfriend?

C: I have.

E: Is he working Locally?

C: No. He is working Overseas.

E: Sorry, my company cannot employ u !

C: Why?

E: U will not be able to settle down here permanently. And my Company don't want to pay extra expenses on the Overseas calls just because of u.

*********

Story II

E: Any girl friends?

C: No.

E: So far chased any before?

C: Have, but not successful.

E: Ever think of getting a job first then start looking for a girlfriend?

C: Career is first priority. Currently didn't want to consider This personal issue.

E: Sorry, my company cannot employ u.

C: Why?

E: You are lacking of P.R skills and confidence!!

*********

Story III

E: Any girlfriends?

C: Yes.

E: Is she pretty?

C: Not quite.

E: Sorry, my company cannot employ you.

C: Why? Will this affect your company's reputation?

E: No, it does not affect the company's reputation but because My company is dealing with arts, our company requested an artist.

*********

Story IV

E: Any girlfriends?

C: Yes.

E: Is she pretty?

C: yes

E: Is she your first lover?

C: Yes.

E: Sorry, we can't employ you because you lack of fighting spirit.

*********

Story V

E: Any girlfriends?

C: Yes.

E: Is she your first lover?

C: No. Have a few already.

E: Sorry, my company cannot employ you because you are a "grasshopper"! (Job hoper lah!)

*********

Story VI

E: Any boyfriends?

C: Yes.

E: Is he rich?

C: No.

E: Then sorry, my company cannot employ you because our Company is dealing with money and you will seduce.

********

Story VII

E: Any boyfriends?

C: Yes.

E: Is he rich ?

C: Yes, very rich.He owns a company.

E: Sorry, we cannot employ you because your boyfriend don't Even want to employ you, neither do we!

C: But,...... There is no position in his company.

E: Then,..... What is your qualification?

C: Secretary!

E: Sorry, we still cannot employ you because your prettiness Will affect your managers' working spirits.

C: But,...... I am not pretty at all.

E: It is even worse because my managers will not be interested In you!!

*********