Funny Jokes

Naughty Answers!


Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend and kills him.
Wife says :

"If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends".
************ ********* ********* ********* *****

A small Boy wrote to Santa Claus, "send me a brother"
Santa wrote back,

" SEND ME YOUR MOTHER"
************ ********* ********* ********* *

What is the definition of Mistress?
Someone between the Mister and Mattress

************ ********* ********* *****

Husband asks:

"Do u know that the meaning of WIFE is:
W ithout
I nformation
F ighting
E very-time
Wife replies :

" No,......
It means:
W ith
I diot
F or
E ver !!!"

************ ********* ********* ********* **

What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant,... Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant.
Panic is when both are pregnant.
************ ********* ********* ********* *

Grammar Teacher: Do you know the importance of a period?
Kid: Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack
& our driver ran away
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *

A young boy asks his Dad :"What is the difference between confident and confidential?
Dad says: "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my
son, THAT is confidential.

Fwd: Anyone wants to get married?

Read it completely!!!!!!  

hi,

This is Ultimate.................I bet u can't stop laughing.

These are Girls profiles taken from shaadi.com These are actual ads on

a matrimony site. Grammar and spelling errors have no place in a

profile description as everything is straight from the heart!

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hello To Viewers My Name is Sowmya , I am single i dont have male,If

any one whant to marrie to me u can visite to my home. I am not a good

education but i working all field in bangalore if u like me u

welcome to my heart... when ever u whant to meet pls visit my resident

or send u letter..

Thanks

yours Regards Sowmya ~*~

(Truly yours)

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

i want very simple boy. from brahmin educated family from Orissa state

she is also know about RAMAYAN, GEETA BHAGABATA, and other homework

(Homework?)

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

I am a happy-go-lucky kind of person. Enjoys every moments of life. I

love to make friendship. Becauese friendship is a first step of love.

I am looking for my dreamboy who will love me more than i. Because i

love myself a lot. If u think that is u then why to late come on

........hold my hand forever !!!

(The dilwale dulhaniya effect)

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

i am simple girl. I have lot of problemin my life because of my

lucknow i am looking one boy he care me and love me lot lot lot

(I don't know why but this is one of my favorites)

 

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i want a boy with no drinks if he wants he can wear jeans in house but

while steping out of house he should give recpect to our cast

(by not wearing his jeans? Wat the hell...)

 

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HYE I AM A GOOD LOKING GIRL,WHO HAS THE CAPABILITY TO MAKE ANY BODY TO

LOUGH.I BELIEVE IN GOD AND ACCORDING TO ME FRIENDS ARE THE REAL

MESSENGER OF GOD. THE 3 THINGS I AM LOOKING FROM A BOY

THEY ARE

1. THEY MUST BELIEVE IN GOD.

2. THEY HAVE TO LIKE MY PROFFESION

3. THEY SHOULD NOT GET BORED WITH ME WHEN I WILL TRY TO MAKE THEM LOUGH.

(all of us are loughing {laughing})

 

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whatever he may be but he should feel that he is going to be someone

groom and he must think of the future life if he is toolike this he

would be called the man of the lamp

(I am clueless, I feel so lost. Can anyone tell me what this girl wants)

Infact she doesn ?t know wat she wants ?.. ? A LAMP ? ?

 

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i love my patner i marriage the patner ok i search my patner and I

love the patner ok thik hai the patner has a graduate ok

(I am again clueless but I liked the use of "ok". The person is

suffering from "Ok-syndrome")

 

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iam pranati my family histoy my two brother two sister and father &

mother sister completely married

(somebody please explain in comments section how to get married

' completely'?)

( Confused ????? )

 

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my name is farhanbegum and i am unmarried. pleaes you marrige me

pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes

(height of desperation! J )

 

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iam kanandevi. i do owo businas.one sistar.he was marred.

(No comments)

(Plz ? for gods sake ask somebody ?s help in framing sentence )

 

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hello i am a good charactarised woman. i want to run my life happily.

i divorced my first husband. his charactor is not good'. i expect the

good minded and clean habits boy who may be in the same caste or other

caste accepted .

(but credit cards not accepted..???)

(Perhaps Debit Cards accepted ?.. Clean Habit s??????? Is there

anything like that.)

 

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I am Sharmila my colour is black, but my heart is white. i like social

service.

(Zebra..???)

(Gosh!!!!!!!! she knows her heart color)

 

Jokes

Lady: Is this my train?

Station Master : No, it belongs to the Railway Company.

Lady: Don't try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take this train to New Delhi .
Station Master : No Madam, I'm afraid it's too heavy.
~~~~~~
A drunkard was brought to court.
Just before the trial there was a commotion in the gallery.
The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted, "Order, order."
The drunkard immediately responded, "Thank you, your honor, I'll have a scotch and soda."
~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~

Customer : Waiter, do you serve crabs?
Waiter : Please sit down sir, we serve everyone.
~~~~~~
Customer : Waiter, is this a lamb chop or pork chop?
Waiter : Can't you tell the difference by taste?
Customer : No, I can't.
Waiter : Then does it really matter ?
~~~~~~
Little Susie came running into the house after school one day,shouting,
"Daddy! Daddy! I got a 100 in school today!"
"That's great, Sweetheart," said her daddy.
"Come in to the living room and tell me about it."
"Well," began the confession, "I got 50 in spelling, 30 in math's and 20 in science."

Customer : Waiter, there's a dead beetle in my soup.
Waiter : Yes sir, they are not very good swimmers.
~~~~~~
Customer : Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.
Waiter : That's all right sir, he won't drink much.
~~~~~~
Waiter : I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer : Don't tell me your problems. Give the menu card.
~~~~~~~~~

Customer : Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup.
Waiter : So what do you expect me to do, call a lifeguard?
~~~~~~~
Customer : Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea up?
Waiter : I wouldn't know sir, I'm a waiter, not a fortune teller.
~~~~~~~
1st thief : Oh ! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the window!
2nd thief : But this is the 13th floor.
1st thief : Hurry! this is no time for superstitions .
~~~~~~~~
Man : How old is your father?
Boy : As old as me.
Man : How can that be?
Boy : He became a father only when I was born.
~~~~~~~~~

Customer : Waiter, this soup tastes funny.
Waiter : Funny? But then why aren't you laughing?
~~~~~~~
Teacher : Peter, why are you late for school again?
Peter: Well, Miss, I dreamed that I was playing football and the game went into extra time.
~~~~~~~
An absent-minded man went to see a psychiatrist.
'My trouble is,' he said, 'that I keep forgetting things.'
'How long has this been going on?' asked the psychiatrist.
' How long has what been going on?' said the man.
~~~~~~~
Girl : Do you love me?
Boy : Yes Dear.
Girl : Would you die for me?
Boy : No, mine is undying love.
~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~
Wife : Do you want dinner?
Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
Wife : Yes and no.
~~~~~~~~
Customer : If I post this letter tonight, will it get to Delhi in two days time?
Post Master : Yes sir, it definitely will.
Customer : I bet you, it won't.
Post Master : Why not?
Customer : It's addressed to Mumbai.

DIVORCE VS. MURDER

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy,   walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said,   "I would like to buy some cyanide."         The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"         The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."         The pharmacist's eye got big and he exclaimed,   "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license!           They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen.   Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"         The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.         The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,   "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

laugh out louder

See, how people write leave Applications.    

It's murder of English language. But Too Funny.  

Just Read It.

The Leave Applications;)

·  Infosys, Bangalore : An employee applied for leave as follows:

"Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife, please sanction me one-week leave."

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·   This is from Oracle Bangalore: >From an employee who was performing the "mundan" ceremony of his 10 year old son:

"as I want to shave my son's head, please leave me for two days.."

---

·  Another gem from CDAC. Leave-letter from an employee who was performing his daughter's wedding:  
"as I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave.."

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·  From H.A.L. Administration Dept:  
"As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it, please grant me 10 days leave."

---

·  Another employee applied for half day leave as follows:  
"Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clock and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave"

---

·  An incident of a leave letter:  
"I am suffering from fever, please declare one-day holiday."

---

·  A leave letter to the headmaster:  
"As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today"

---

·  Another leave letter written to the headmaster:  
"As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day."

---

·  Covering note:  
"I am enclosed herewith..."

---

·  Another one:  
"Dear Sir: with reference to the above, please refer to my below..."

---

·  Actual letter written for application of leave:  
"My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave".

---

·  Letter writing:-  
"I am well here and hope you are also in the same well."

---

·  A candidate's job application:  
"This has reference to your advertisement calling for a ' Typist and an Accountant - Male or Female'... As I am both(!! )for the past several years and I can handle both with good experience, I am applying for the post.

How Star Says Sorry !

The way people apologise and their style of saying sorry depends a lot on their personality and zodiac traits. No wonder Leos embarrass you when they say sorry while Arians will actually annoy you with their apology?... ARIES For starters, Arians think they are so sweet,they could not have possibly said or done things that need an apology. So in the unlikely possibility of them actually going down their knees to apologise, it will be a simple sorry.Nothing less, nothing more!! TAURUS They are so scared to face others when they make a mistake that by the time they resurface to tender an apology, the damage is done.So Taurans end up making foes out of friends because of their laxity in apologizing GEMINI Geminis think they are infallible and therefore will never really apologise for anything. But once they realize, they prefer to act as if nothing happened, and behave normally with people who have a problem rather than remind others of the incident by tendering an apology CANCER Cancerians will make you feel sorry for demanding one when they make a mistake. They are the legendary characters that burn hands and slash their fingers in order to display the quantum of their repentance. Their repentance is dangerous!! LEO Leos are a delightful bunch even when they are trying to make up for their follies. They will go down their knees, buy flowers, put up sorry posters.. do everything colorful to flatter you and make up for their mistakes. In fact it's fun to induce them to make a mistake and let them apologize for it VIRGO Virgos will first formally set aside a time and date and inform them what they want to tell you. Then they will mentally prepare themselves to talk out the same things. They will finally draft the script and read out whatever they want to. In short, even their heartfelt apologies sound like well-drafted scripts LIBRA They are very vocal once they realize their folly. They never ever hesitate to come clean and admit their mistakes. In fact, they will go out of their way to convince you about how genuinely sorry they are. SCORPIO Scorpios are formal and think that tendering an apology is more of a formality. So instead of just saying sorry, they will send a formal mail or send a card, whatever it takes to avoid direct confrontation. SAGITTARIUS Sagittarians don't believe in being sorry or apologizing. For them, it is human to err and therefore saying sorry is just redundant. Interestingly, even if others make mistakes, they are pretty cool and don't expect much from them. CAPRICORN They can't take a simple sorry. They need reasons,explanations, written letters and the works to get elicit an 'ok, you may go now' phrase. They are hard to please and even harder to appease. AQUARIUS They are sweet, genuine and innovative when they think they are wrong and need to undo the damage. Aquarians are easy on their mistakes and don't take too much time to do their sorrying. PISCES Pisceans don't easily give in because they believe that everything is about perspective. So if somebody thinks they made a mistake!!, it's because they have a wonky perspective. Pisceans and apologies? No chance!!!

Fwd: Enjoy

One day the teacher came to class with a rose placed
in her cleavage.
She asked, "Can anyone tell me what roses drink? How
about you, Johnny ?"
"Milk!" answered Little Johnny.
"No, I'm sorry. That's the wrong answer. Roses drink
water," explained the
teacher.
"Wow!" Johnny exclaimed. "I didn't know the stem was
that long!"