Best of Little Johny

| > >enjoy, enjoy over the week end.
| > >> > >The famous little Johnny and his
| > pranks.......
| > >> > >
| > >> > >Math Class
| > >> > >Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math
| > problems when his
| > >> > teacher
| > >> > >picked him to answer a question..
| > >> > >"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on
| > a fence and you shot one
| > >> > with
| > >> > >your gun, how many would be left ?"
| > >> > >"None.", replied Johnny. "'cause the rest
| > would fly away."
| > >> > >"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher.
| > "But I like the way you
| > >> > are
| > >> > >thinking."
| > >> > >Little Johnny said, "I have a question for
| > you now. If there were
| > >> > three
| > >> > >women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one
| > licking her cone, the
| > >> > second
| > >> > >biting her cone, and the third one sucking
| > her cone, which one is
| > >> > married
| > >> > ?
| > >> > >Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess
| > the one sucking the
| > cone?"
| > >> >
| > >> > >"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the
| > wedding ring on her
| > >> > finger.
| > >> > But
| > >> > >I like the way you are thinking..
| > >> > >******************************
| > >> > >
| > >> > >Red and Shiny
| > >> > >The teacher, in an attempt to stimulate their
| > minds, asked the class
| > >> > the
| > >> > >following question, " What is bright red and
| > shiny?"
| > >> > >Little Johnny jumped up and shouted, " A fire
| > engine !!!!???"
| > >> > >"No! No!" said the teacher," But I like the
| > way you think.. Anyone
| > >> > else?"
| > >> > >Little Susan replied that it was an apple and
| > the teacher was happy
| > >> > except
| > >> > >Johnny of course..
| > >> > >Anyway, Little Johnny asked the teacher if he
| > can ask a question to
| > >> > which
| > >> > >she nodded OK.
| > >> > >" What is long,hard, rounded and has hair at
| > one end? "
| > >> > >"JOHNNY!!!" she screamed, "WE'LL HAVE NONE OF
| > THAT TALK HERE..."
| > >> > >Johnny replied, " No, it's a toothbrush, but
| > I like the way you
| > >> > think"..
| > >> >
| >
| >*******************************************************
| > >> > >
| > >> > >A priest is out for an afternoon stroll and
| > turns the corner and
| > >> > finds
| > >> > >little Johnny with a hammer smashing the
| > daylights out of
| > >> > >a bunch of ants. The kid is saying to
| > himself, "I hate these fucking
| > >> > >ants...I hate these fucking ants."
| > >> > >The priest is taken back by the little boy's
| > language and talks to
| > >> > him,
| > >> > >saying that God doesn't make junk.
| > >> > >"Tomorrow I will be coming by again and if
| > you can tell me three
| > >> > things
| > >> > >that
| > >> > >God created that are worthless, then I will
| > let you
| > >> > >continue killing the ants."
| > >> > >The next afternoon, the priest is out again
| > for his walk and comes
| > >> > upon
| > >> > >little Johnny smashing ants again. The priest
| > reminds him of the
| > >> > agreement
| > >> > >that they made saying the boy agreed not to
| > kill any more ants unless
| > >> > he
| > >> > >could name three things that God created that
| > are worthless.
| > >> > >Little Johnny looks up with a devilish smile
| > and says, "I do know
| > >> > three
| > >> > >things that are totally worthless. The first
| > is a prick on a priest,
| > >> > the
| > >> > >second is tits on a nun, and the third are
| > these fucking
| > >> > ants!"............
| > >> > >
| > >> > >************************************
| > >> > >
| > >> > >One day the teacher came to class with a rose
| > placed in her cleavage.
| > >> > >She asked, "Can anyone tell me what roses
| > drink? How about
| > >> > you,johnny?"
| > >> > >"Milk!" answered Little Johnny.
| > >> > >"No, I'm sorry. That's the wrong answer.
| > >> > >Roses drink water," explained the teacher.
| > >> > >"Wow!" Johnny exclaimed. "I didn't know the
| > stem was that long!"
| > >> > >
| > >> > >*****************************
| > >> > >
| > >> > >Johnny returns from school and says he got an
| > F in arithmetics.
| > >> > >"Why?" asks the father.
| > >> > >"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' I said
| > '6'" "But that's right!"
| > >> > >"Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"
| > "What's the fucking
| > >> > difference?"
| > >> > >"That's exactly what I said."
| > >> > >****************************
| > >> > >
| > >> > > Five years old Johnny and his little sister
| > are peeping through a
| > >> > keyhole
| > >> > >at their parents making love
| > >> > >"Wow, look at them! And we are not allowed
| > even to stick a finger in
| > >> > our
| > >> > >nose!"
| > >> > >
| > >> > >***************************
| > >> > >
| > >> > >Johnny and his father are observing a couple
| > of dogs screwing each
| > >> > other.
| > >> > >"Dad, what're the dogs doing?" asks Johnny.
| > >> > >"Well, the one below has relaxed and the one
| > above has concentrated."
| > >> > >"Okay, I've understood."
| > >> > >"What've you understood!?" asks the father
| > sarcastically.
| > >> > >"Never relax in your life, dad, or you'll get
| > fucked like a dog!"
| > >> > >
| > >> > >****************************
| > >> > >
| > >> > >Johnny's parents were out of town once and so
| > they asked that young
| > >> > female
| > >> > >teacher to stay for that time in their house.
| > >> > >Before going to bed Johnny says to her "Oh,
| > please, I'm so afraid to
| > >> > be
| > >> > by
| > >> > >myself, please, sleep in my bed."
| > >> > >She agrees, they go to bed. In the morning
| > she wakes up to find a big
| > >> > >hairy-chested man in her bed.
| > >> > >She exclaims: "Johnny? Where is Johnny?!!!"
| > >> > >"Johnny? Who is Johnny? Is that the little
| > boy selling the tickets?"
| > >> > >
| > >> > >******************************
| > >> > >
| > >> > >Little Johnny is taking a shower with his
| > mother and says,
| > >> > >"Mom, what are those things on your chest?"
| > >> > >Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to
| > ask his dad at breakfast
| > >> > >tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be
| > forgotten. Johnny didn't
| > >> > >forget.
| > >> > >The following morning he asked his father the
| > same question. His
| > >> > father,
| > >> > >always quick with the answers, says,
| > >> > >"Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your
| > mommy dies, we can blow
| > >> > them up
| > >> > >and she'll float to heaven."
| > >> > >Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more
| > questions. A few weeks
| > >> > later,
| > >> > >Johnny's dad comes home from work a few hours
| > early.
| > >> > >Johnny runs out of the house crying
| > hysterically,
| > >> > >"Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!" His father
| > says,
| > >> > >"Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy's
| > dying?"
| > >> > >"Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommy's balloons
| > and she's screaming 'Oh
| > >> > God,
| > >> > >I'm
| > >> > >coming!"
| > >> > >
| > >> > >*****************************
| > >> > >
| > >> > >Nursery school teacher says to her class,
| > "Who can use the word
| > >> > >'Definitely'
| > >> > >in a sentence?"
| > >> > >First a little girl says "The sky is
| > definitely blue"
| > >> > >Teacher says,"Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be
| > gray, or orange..."
| > >> > >Second little boy..."Trees are definitely
| > green"
| > >> > >"Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are
| > brown."
| > >> > >Little Johnny from the back of the class
| > stands up and asks: "Does a
| > >> > fart
| > >> > >have lumps?"
| > >> > >The teacher looks horrified and
| > says..."Johnny! Of course not!!!"
| > >> > >"OK...then I've DEFINITELY shit in my
| > pants..."
| > >> > >
| > >> > >******************************
| > >> > >
| > >> > >Little Johnny is lying in his bed one night
| > and just can't get to
| > >> > sleep.
| > >> > He
| > >> > >decides to go to his parent's room to go chat
| > to
| > >> > >them.
| > >> > >Upon entering their room, he sees their
| > blankets going up-and-down.
| > >> > >Johnny:" Mommy, daddy, what are you doing?"
| > >> > >Parents:" We are playing cards, now GET OUT!"
| > >> > >So Johnny decides to go into hisgrand
| > parent's room, only to find the
| > >> > >blankets going up-and-down.
| > >> > >Johnny: " Granny, Grandpa, what are you
| > doing?"
| > >> > >Grandpa:" Get out! We are playing cards!"
| > >> > >Feeling rejected,Johnny goes back to his own
| > room and gets back into
| > >> > bed.
| > >> > >A while later both his parents, and
| > grandparents feel bad for yelling
| > >> > at
| > >> > >him
| > >> > >so decide to go and apologize.
| > >> > >Upon entering his room, they see the blankets
| > going up-and-down.
| > >> > >"Johnny! What are you doing??!!"
| > >> > >Johnny:"I'm playing cards." Grandpa:" But
| > who's your partner?"
| > >> > >Johnny: "With a hand like this, who needs a
| > partner?"
| > >> > >
| > >> > >******************************
| > >> > >
| > >> > >Confused Little johnny comes home from school
| > with a note from his
| > >> > teacher,
| > >> > >indicating that "johnny seems to be
| > >> > >having some difficulty with the differences
| > between boys and girls,
| > >> > and
| > >> > >would his mother, "please sit down and have a
| > >> > >talk with johnny about this."
| > >> > >So johnny's mother takes him quietly, by the
| > hand, upstairs to her
| > >> > bedroom,
| > >> > >and closes the door..
| > >> > > - first, johnny, you take off my blouse....
| > >> > >so unbuttons her blouse and takes it off..
| > >> > >- ok, now take off my skirt....
| > >> > >and he takes off her skirt..
| > >> > >- now take off my bra....
| > >> > >which he does..
| > >> > >- and now, johnny, please take off my
| > panties..
| > >> > >
| > >> > > and when johnny finishes removing those,
| > she says,
| > >> > > "johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my
| > clothes to school any more!"
| > >> > >******************************
| > >> > >What are you doing
| > >> > >Late one night, little Johnny woke up to the
| > some loud noises coming
| > >> > from
| > >> > >his parents' bedroom. He got out of bed and
| > walked down the hall
| > >> > towards
| > >> > >his
| > >> > >parents room. Before he made it to the end of
| > the hall, the noises
| > had
| > >> >
| > >> > >ceased and the bathroom light had gone on..
| > >> > >Little Johnny walked into the bathroom and
| > saw his father removing a
| > >> > used
| > >> > >condom..
| > >> > >"Daddy, what are you doing?" asked little
| > Johnny..
| > >> > >His father looked around nervously wondering
| > what he could tell his
| > >> > son..
| > >> > >I, um, I'm just checking out the bathroom for
| > mice." replied his
| > >> > father..
| > >> > >Johnny looked at his father with a gaze of
| > confusion and said, "Well,
| > >> > what
| > >> > >are you doing? Fucking them?"
| > >> > >******************************
| > >> > >Classroom
| > >> > >One day, the teacher walks into her classroom
| > and announces to the
| > >> > class
| > >> > >that on each Friday, she will ask a
| > >> > >question to the class and anyone who answers
| > correctly doesn't have
| > to
| > >> > go
| > >> > >to
| > >> > >school the following Monday.
| > >> > >On the first Friday, the teacher asks,
| > >> > >"How many grains of sand are in the beach?"
| > >> > >Needless to say, no one could answer..
| > >> > >The following Friday, the teacher asks the
| > class,
| > >> > >"How many stars are in the sky?"
| > >> > >and again no one could answer..
| > >> > >Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the
| > next Friday, he would
| > >> > somehow
| > >> > >answer the question and get a 3 day
| > >> > >weekend..
| > >> > >So Thursday night, Johnny takes two ping-pong
| > balls and paints them
| > >> > black.
| > >> > >The next day, he brings them to
| > >> > >school in a paper bag..
| > >> > >At the end of the day, just when the teacher
| > says,
| > >> > >"Here's this week's question,"
| > >> > >Johnny empties the bag to the floor sending
| > the ping-pong balls
| > >> > rolling
| > >> > to
| > >> > >the front of the room. Because they
| > >> > >are young kids who find any disruption of
| > class amusing, the entire
| > >> > class
| > >> > >starts laughing..
| > >> > >The teacher says, " Okay, who's the comedian
| > with the black balls?"
| > >> > >Immediately, little Johnny stands up and
| > says, "Bill Cosby, see ya on
| > >> > >Tuesday!"
| > >> > >******************************
| > >> > >
| > >> > >Not Another Word
| > >> > >Little Johnny greeted his mother at the door
| > after she had been out
| > of
| > >> >
| > >> > town
| > >> > >all week and said, "Mommy, guess
| > >> > >what? Yesterday, I was playing in the closet
| > in your bedroom and
| > >> > Daddy
| > >> > >came into the room with the lady from next
| > door
| > >> > >and they got undressed and they got into bed
| > and then Daddy got on
| > >> > top of
| > >> > >her and -"
| > >> > >The mother held up her hand and said, "Not
| > another word! Wait until
| > >> > your
| > >> > >father gets home and then I want you to tell
| > him exactly what you've
| > >> > just
| > >> > >told me." The father comes home and the wife
| > tells him that she's
| > >> > leaving
| > >> > >him..
| > >> > >"But why?" croaks the husband. "Go ahead,
| > Johnny, tell Daddy just
| > >> > what
| > >> > you
| > >> > >told me."
| > >> > >"Well," said little Johnny, "I was playing
| > in your closet and Daddy
| > >> > came
| > >> > >upstairs with the lady next door and they got
| > undressed and they got
| > >> > into
| > >> > >bed and Daddy got on top of her and they did
| > just what you did,
| > >> > Mommy,
| > >> > >with Uncle Bob Heaven
| > >> > >******************************
| > >> > >
| > >> > >Pass or Fail
| > >> > >Johnny missed his final exam due to the flu,
| > but he'd done so well
| > >> > during
| > >> > >the year that the teacher suggested to the
| > principal that they give
| > >> > him an
| > >> > >oral exam to make up for the test he'd
| > missed..
| > >> > >The principal agreed so they called Johnny
| > into the office,
| > explained,
| > >> >
| > >> > then
| > >> > >the teacher asked,
| > >> > >"Johnny what does a cow have four of, that I
| > only have two of?"
| > >> > >Johnny replied, "Legs."
| > >> > >The teacher asked, "Johnny, what do you have
| > in your pants that I
| > >> > don't
| > >> > >have
| > >> > >in my pants?"
| > >> > >Johnny replied, "Pockets."
| > >> > >The teacher asked, "Johnny, what is the
| > capital of Italy?"
| > >> > >Johnny replied. "Rome."
| > >> > >The teacher turned to the principal and
| > asked, "Should we pass him?"
| > >> > >The principal replied, "Better not ask me, I
| > got the first two wrong"
| > >> > >******************************
| > >> > >
| > >> > >Harassment
| > >> > >Teacher: Use "harassment" in a sentence..
| > >> > >Johnny: Her mouth said 'no', but her ass
| > meant 'yes'..
| > >> > >******************************
| > >> > >
| > >> > >Cookie Time
| > >> > >Little Johnny was in school one day when the
| > teacher brought around
| > >> > cookies
| > >> > >for snack time.
| > >> > >"Here, Little Johnny, have a cookie."
| > >> > >"I don't fucking want one," declared Johnny..
| > >> > >The teacher was shocked. She called Little
| > Johnny's mother and
| > >> > scheduled
| > >> > >her
| > >> > >to come in for a meeting the next day..
| > >> > >When Little Johnny's mother arrived, the
| > teacher had her hide behind
| > >> > the
| > >> > >curtain until snack time came around.
| > >> > >As she came to Little Johnny, she again told
| > him "Here Little
| > >> > Johnny...
| > >> > >It's
| > >> > >time for your cookie."
| > >> > >"I don't fucking want one," stated Little
| > Johnny again..
| > >> > >The teacher pulled aside the curtain and said
| > to his mother,
| > >> > >"See? Did you hear what he said?"
| > >> > >"So don't fucking give him one," said Little
| > Johnny's mother..
| > >> > >******************************
| > >> > >
| > >> > >Loaf of Bread
| > >> > >Little Johnny's mother sent Little Johnny to
| > the store to get a loaf
| > >> > of
| > >> > >bread..
| > >> > >Little Johnny's is coming home from the store
| > swinging the loaf of
| > >> > bread
| > >> > in
| > >> > >one hand and the other hand in his pants
| > pocket..
| > >> > >Along come Priest Joe and he thinks to
| > himself, "This is a good
| > >> > opportunity
| > >> > >to say something from the bible to Little
| > Johnny."
| > >> > >He walks up to Little Johnny and says, "I see
| > Little Johnny that you
| > >> > have
| > >> > >the Staff of Life in one hand. What do you
| > have in the other?"
| > >> > >Little Johnny replies, "A loaf of bread
| > Father".
| > >> > >******************************
| > >> > >A new teacher while introducing herself to
| > children said
| > >> > >"My name is Miss. Prussy and it is easy to
| > remember. Just remember
| > the
| > >> >
| > >> > word
| > >> > >pussy in your rhyme and add "r" in between
| > first two letters.
| > >> > >Next day techer wanted to test whether
| > children could remember her
| > >> > name or
| > >> > >not. So she asked the whole class to
| > >> > >tell her name a little louder.
| > >> > >Silence prevailed for sometime as none of the
| > children could remember
| > >> > her
| > >> > >name. Then little Johnny remembered
| > >> > >suddenly and shouted with excitement
| > "Crunt".
| > >> > >******************************
| > >> > > Little Johnny came running into the house
| > and asked,
| > >> > > "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"
| > "No," said his mom, "of
| > >> > course
| > >> > >not."
| > >> > > Little Johnny then ran back outside and
| > his mom heard him yell to
| > >> > his
| > >> > >friends,
| > >> > >"It's okay, we can play that game again!"
| > >> > >******************************
| > >> > > Little Johnny had some sex questions for
| > his father,
| > >> > >"Dad, what does 'pussy' mean?"
| > >> > >The father took the little boy up to his
| > study room and got out a
| > >> > Playboy
| > >> > >magazine.
| > >> > >He opened the book to the centerfold and too
| > got out an ink pen.
| > >> > >He drew a small circle in the appropriate
| > place and told Johnny,
| > >> > >"See that circle, everything inside the
| > circle is a pussy."
| > >> > >"Oh," said little Johnny. "One more thing,
| > what is a bitch?"
| > >> > >"Well," said the father, "see that little
| > circle? A'bitch' is
| > >> > everything
| > >> > >outside the circle if it doesn't give
| > >> > >you what is inside the circle..."
| > >> > >******************************
| > >> > >A third grade teacher told her class,
| > "Children, we are going to
| > begin
| > >> > to
| > >> > >study a little sex education. Tonight,
| > girls, your first assignment
| > >> > will
| > >> > >be
| > >> > >to find out from your parents how to avoid
| > Getting pregnant. For you
| > >> > boys,
| > >> > >your assignment will be to go home and find
| > out what a penis is."
| > >> > >So little Johnny goes home and asks his
| > father,
| > >> > >"Daddy, what is a penis?"
| > >> > >The father pulls down his pants and points
| > >> > >proudly saying, "Son, that is a perfect
| > penis."
| > >> > >The next day,
| > >> > >when Johnny gets to school, his best friend
| > runs up to him on the
| > >> > >playground
| > >> > >and says to Johnny, "I forgot to find out
| > what a penis is! What's a
| > >> > penis!"
| > >> > >Johnny tells him, "Come on." So they both go
| > into the boys room and
| > >> > Johnny
| > >> > >pulls down his pants. He points down and
| > says, "There, if that was a
| > >> > >little
| > >> > >smaller, it would be a perfect penis!"
| > >> > >******************************
| > >> > >Little Johnny, on a day when he was being
| > particularly reckless, was
| > >> > >playing
| > >> > >in the backyard one morning.
| > >> > >Soon, some honeybees started swirling around,
| > annoying little Johnny.
| > >> > >He began stomping on them in his temper. His
| > father caught him
| > >> > trampling
| > >> > >the
| > >> > >honeybees, and after a brief moment
| > >> > >of thought said, "That's it! No honey for
| > you for one month!"
| > >> > >Later that afternoon, Johnny pondered upon
| > some butterflies, and soon
| > >> > >started catching them and crushing them under
| > his feet. His father
| > >> > again
| > >> > >caught him, and after a brief moment of
| > thought, said, "No butter for
| > >> > you
| > >> > >for one month!"
| > >> > >Early that evening, Johnny's mother was
| > cooking lot more fun the
| > >> > kitchen
| > >> > >floor.
| > >> > >She began stomping on them one by one until
| > all the cockroaches were
| > >> > dead.
| > >> > >Johnny's mother looked up to find Johnny and
| > his father standing
| > there
| > >> >
| > >> > >watching her. To which Johnny said, "Are you
| > going to tell her,
| > daddy,
| > >> > or
| > >> > >do
| > >> > >you want me to?"
| > >> > >******************************
| > >> > >
| > >> > >A few months after his parents were divorced,
| > Little Johnny passedby
| > >> > his
| > >> > >mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body
| > and moaning, "I need a
| > >> > man, I
| > >> > >need a man!"
| > >> > >Over the next couple of months, he saw her
| > doing this several times.
| > >> > >One day, he came home from school and heard
| > her moaning.
| > >> > >When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man
| > on top of her.
| > >> > >Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his
| > clothes, threw himself
| > >> > on
| > >> > his
| > >> > >bed, started stroking himself, and moaning,
| > >> > >"Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"
| > >> > >******************************
| > >> > >
| > >> > >Salesman
| > >> > >A traveling salesman rings the doorbell and
| > 10-year old Little Johnny
| > >> > >answers, holding a beer and smoking a fat
| > cigar.
| > >> > >The salesman says, "Little boy, is your
| > father home?"
| > >> > >Little Johnny taps his ash on the carpet and
| > says, "What do you
| > >> > think?"
| > >> > >******************************
| > >> > >Too Young
| > >> > >A guy's walking down the street and sees
| > Dirty Johnny smoking a
| > >> > cigarette.
| > >> > >He says, "Kid, you're too young to smoke."
| > >> > >Johnny looks up and doesn't say anything. The
| > guy says, "How old are
| > >> > you?"
| > >> > >Johnny says, "Six."
| > >> > >The guy says, "Six? When did you start
| > smoking?"
| > >> > >Johnny says,
| > >> > >"Right after the first time I got laid."
| > >> > >The guy says, "Right after the first time you
| > got laid? When was
| > >> > that?"
| > >> > >Johnny says, "I don't remember. I was drunk."
| > >> > >******************************
| > >> > >
| > >> > >Bathroom
| > >> > >Little Johnny was sitting in class and
| > started waving his arm saying,
| > >> > >teacher!, teacher! I have to go pee!"
| > >> > >The teacher called Johnny to her desk and
| > said, "Now Johnny, in this
| > >> > class
| > >> > >we use proper wording, the correct word is
| > >> > >urinate. You may go to the bathroom, but when
| > you come back I want
| > you
| > >> > to
| > >> > >give me a sentence using the word urinate."
| > >> > >So Johnny goes down the hall to the bathroom
| > and when he comes back
| > >> > the
| > >> > >teacher says, "O.k. Johnny, I want to
| > >> > >hear your sentence now"
| > >> > >Little Johnny says,"O.K., here
| > goes---Urinate, but you'd be a ten if
| > >> > your
| > >> > >tits were bigger"!!!!
| > >> > >******************************
| > >> > >
| > >> > >Sex
| > >> > >Little Johnny was a curious little guy and
| > was always asking
| > >> > questions.
| > >> > >One day, when his aunt was visiting, he went
| > into his typical
| > >> > >interrogation.
| > >> > >Johnny: Auntie, Auntie, Auntie, how old are
| > you?
| > >> > >Auntie: Well Johnny, that's not a question
| > that you ask a lady.
| > >> > >Johnny: Auntie, Auntie, Auntie, how much do
| > you weigh?
| > >> > >Auntie: Johnny! That's not a question you ask
| > a lady.
| > >> > >Johnny: Auntie, Auntie, Auntie, why don't you
| > and your boyfriend
| > sleep
| > >> > in
| > >> > >the same bed?
| > >> > >Auntie: Johnny, stop this! That's not a
| > question you ask a lady!
| > >> > >Johnny went off to play but the next day he
| > was talking to his aunt
| > >> > again.
| > >> > >Johnny: Auntie, Auntie, Auntie, I know how
| > old you are.You're 32
| > years
| > >> >
| > >> > old.
| > >> > >Auntie: Johnny! How do you know that?
| > >> > >Johnny: Auntie, Auntie, Auntie, I know how
| > much you weigh.You're 135
| > >> > >pounds.
| > >> > >Auntie: Johnny! How do you know that?
| > >> > >Johnny: And Auntie, Auntie, Auntie. I know
| > why you don't sleep in the
| > >> > same
| > >> > >bed as your boyfriend.
| > >> > >Auntie: Johnny! Stop this! How do you know
| > all this?
| > >> > >Johnny: Well, I found your driver's license
| > last night. Here it says
| > >> > that
| > >> > >you're 32 years old and here it says
| > >> > >that you weigh 135 pounds. And right down
| > here it explains why you
| > >> > don't
| > >> > >sleep in the same bed as your boyfriend.
| > >> > >Auntie: Where does it say that?
| > >> > >Johnny: Right here. It says you got an "F" in
| > Sex.
| > >> > >******************************
| > >> > >
| > >> > >No Fighting
| > >> > >Little Johnny comes home from catholic school
| > wit a black eye.
| > >> > >His father see's it and says "Johnny, how
| > many times do I have to
| > tell
| > >> > you
| > >> > >not to fight with the other boys?"
| > >> > >But Dad, it wasn't my fault. We were all in
| > church saying our
| > prayers.
| > >> > We
| > >> > >all stood up and my teacher in front of me
| > had her dress in the crack
| > >> > of
| > >> > >her
| > >> > >butt. I reached over and pulled it out.
| > That's when she hit me!"
| > >> > >"Johnny", the father said. You don't do those
| > kind of things to
| > women.
| > >> >
| > >> > Sure
| > >> > >enough, the very next day Johnny came home
| > with the other eye black
| > >> > and
| > >> > >blue.
| > >> > >Johnny's fathersaid, "Johnny, I thought we
| > had a talk!"
| > >> > >"But Dad" Johnny said. "It wasn't my fault.
| > There we were in church
| > >> > saying
| > >> > >our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher
| > in front of us had her
| > >> > dress
| > >> > in
| > >> > >the crack of her butt. Then Louie who was
| > sitting next to me saw it
| > >> > and he
| > >> > >reached over and pulled it out. Now I know
| > she doesn't like this, so
| > I
| > >> >
| > >> > >pushed it back in!"
| > >> > >******************************
| > >> > >
| > >> > >Big Sister
| > >> > >Little Johnny was twelve years old and like
| > other boys of his age,
| > >> > rather
| > >> > >curious. He has been hearing quite a bit
| > about "courting" from older
| > >> > boys,
| > >> > >and he wondered what it was and how it was
| > done.
| > >> > >One day he took his questions to his mother,
| > who became rather
| > >> > flustered.
| > >> > >Instead of explaining things to him, she told
| > him to hide behind the
| > >> > >curtain
| > >> > >one night and watch his older sister and her
| > boy friend. This he did.
| > >> > The
| > >> > >following morning he described everything to
| > his mother.
| > >> > >"Sis and her boy friend sat and talked for a
| > while, then he turned
| > off
| > >> >
| > >> > most
| > >> > >of the lights, and he started kissing and
| > hugging her. I figured sis
| > >> > must
| > >> > >be
| > >> > >getting sick because she started looking
| > funny. He must have thought
| > >> > so
| > >> > too
| > >> > >because he put his hand under her blouse to
| > feel her heart just like
| > a
| > >> >
| > >> > >doctor would, except he's not as smart as the
| > doctor because he
| > seemed
| > >> > to
| > >> > >have trouble finding the heart.
| > >> > >I guess he was getting sick too, because
| > pretty soon both of them
| > >> > started
| > >> > >panting and getting all out of breath.
| > >> > >His other hand must have been cold, because
| > he put it under her
| > skirt.
| > >> >
| > >> > >About
| > >> > >this time, sis got worse, and began
| > >> > >to moan and squirm around. They slid down to
| > the end of the couch.
| > >> > This
| > >> > was
| > >> > >when the fever started. I know it
| > >> > >was a fever, because sis told him she felt
| > really hot.
| > >> > >Finally, I found out what was making them so
| > sick: A big eel had
| > >> > gotten
| > >> > >inside his pants somehow.. It just
| > >> > >jumped out of his pants and stood there,
| > about ten inches long.
| > >> > >Honest. Anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to
| > keep it from getting
| > >> > away.
| > >> > >When
| > >> > >sis saw it she got really
| > >> > >scared, her eyes got big and her mouth fell
| > open. She started
| > calling
| > >> > out
| > >> > >to god and stuff like that. She said that was
| > >> > >the biggest one she had ever seen. I should
| > tell her about the ones
| > >> > down
| > >> > at
| > >> > >the lake..
| > >> > >Any ways, sis got brave and tried to kill the
| > eel by biting its head
| > >> > off.
| > >> > >All of a sudden she made a noise and let the
| > eel go... I guess it bit
| > >> > her
| > >> > >back, then she grabbed it with both hands and
| > held it tight while he
| > >> > took
| > >> > a
| > >> > >muzzle out of his pants pocket and slipped it
| > over the eels head to
| > >> > keep
| > >> > it
| > >> > >from biting again. Sis laid back and spread
| > her legs so she could get
| > >> > a
| > >> > >scissor lock on it, and he helped by laying
| > on top of the eel. The
| > eel
| > >> > put
| > >> > >up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning
| > and squealing and her
| > >> > boyfriend
| > >> > >almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted
| > to kill the eel by
| > >> > squashing
| > >> > it
| > >> > >between them..
| > >> > >After a while, they both got up and gave a
| > great sigh, her boyfriend
| > >> > got
| > >> > up
| > >> > >and sure enough, they had killed the eel. i
| > know it was dead, because
| > >> > it
| > >> > >just hung ther, limp and some of its insides
| > were hanging out..
| > >> > >Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired
| > from the battle, but they
| > >> > went
| > >> > to
| > >> > >courting anyway. He started hugging and
| > kissing again. By Golly, the
| > >> > eel
| > >> > >wasn't dead. It jumped straight-up and
| > started to fight again. guess
| > >> > eels
| > >> > >are like cats... they have nine lives...
| > >> > >This time sis jumped up and tried to kill the
| > eel by sitting on it.
| > >> > After
| > >> > >fifty-five minutes of struggle, they finally
| > killed the eel.
| > >> > >I know it was this time because i saw sis's
| > boyfriend peel its skin
| > >> > off
| > >> > and
| > >> > >flush it down the toilet.
| > >> > >Johnny's mother fainted.
| > >> > >******************************
| > >> > >
| > >> > >Sunday School
| > >> > >At Sunday school, the teacher asked Little
| > Johnny, "Do you know where
| > >> > >little
| > >> > >boys and girls go when they do bad things?"
| > >> > >"Sure," Little Johnny replied. "They go out
| > in back of the church
| > >> > yard."
| > >> > >******************************
| > >> > >
| > >> > >LITTLE JOHNNY XIII
| > >> > >One day a 5th grade class was taking a field
| > trip but the weather was
| > >> > >extreamlly bad and the trip was to be delayed
| > and they had to stay in
| > >> > a
| > >> > >hotel for the night. So Little Johnny was
| > sleeping in the same froom
| > >> > as
| > >> > >his
| > >> > >teacher.
| > >> > >In the middle of the night the teacher woke
| > up and was frigtened by
| > >> > the
| > >> > >sight of alex standing right over her.
| > >> > >He asked if he could sleep with her cause he
| > couldn't sleep.
| > >> > >She said okay, then Johnny asked to lay a
| > little closer and she said
| > >> > okay.
| > >> > >Then he asked if he could put his finger in
| > her belly button...and
| > she
| > >> >
| > >> > said
| > >> > >"NO". "But my mommy lets me do it when i
| > can't sleep and it helps."
| > >> > >So the teacher says " okay fine, do whatever
| > your mom lets you do."
| > >> > and a
| > >> > >few minutes later the teacher says
| > >> > >"OH...thats not my bellybutton." And Johhny
| > says, "thats not my
| > >> > finger."
| > >> > >******************************
| > >> > >
| > >> > >There is a teacher teaching sex ed to a bunch
| > of 5th graders. She
| > >> > walks
| > >> > to
| > >> > >the chalk board and raws a huge penis
| > >> > >on the board! She truns to the class and
| > simply asked the class,
| > >> > "Class,
| > >> > >does and one know what that is?" The
| > >> > >class sits silently for a second or two than
| > little johnny stands
| > from
| > >> > the
| > >> > >back!
| > >> > >He yells, "I know what that is! It's a PENIS!
| > I know cause my dad's
| > >> > got
| > >> > >two!"
| > >> > >"The small one he pee's from, the big one he
| > brushs the babysitters
| > >> > teeth
| > >> > >with!"
| > >> > >******************************
| > >> > >
| > >> > >A salesman rang the door bell and little
| > Johnny answered.
| > >> > >The salesman asked if his father was at home.
| > >> > >Little Johnny: "Yes."
| > >> > >The salesman: "Well, can I see him please?"
| > >> > >Little Johnny: "No, he is in the shower."
| > >> > >The Salesman asked if his mother was at
| > home.
| > >> > >Little Johnny: "Yes."
| > >> > >The Salesman: "Well can I see her?"
| > >> > >Little Johnny: "No, she's in the shower
| > too.."
| > >> > >The Salesman: "Do you think they will be out
| > soon?"
| > >> > >Little Johnny: "No."
| > >> > >The salesman asked why.
| > >> > >Little Johnny: "Well, when my dad asked me
| > for the vaseline I gave
| > him
| > >> >
| > >> > some
| > >> > >super glue instead."
| > >> > >******************************
| > >> > >
| > >> > >Little Johnny is visiting the zoo with his
| > mother. They go to the
| > >> > elephant
| > >> > >exhibit, where a big old bull elephant is
| > >> > >taking a leak. Johnny points to the
| > pachyderm`s privates and says,
| > >> > >"Mommy, what`s that?" Mommy, seeing the huge
| > penis, turns bright red
| > >> > and
| > >> > >says,
| > >> > >"Oh, that`s nothing. Never mind. Come along
| > now."
| > >> > >A few weeks later, Johnny is at the zoo with
| > his father. Johnny grabs
| > >> > his
| > >> > >dad by the hand, and pulls him over the
| > elephants, saying he has a
| > >> > >question.
| > >> > >Once there, Johnny points to the elephant`s
| > penis and says,
| > >> > >"Daddy, what`s that?" Dad replies, "Didn`t
| > your mother tell you?"
| > >> > >"Yes, she told me it was nothing."
| > >> > >"Well, That's true. That's nothing for your
| > mother."
| > >> > >******************************
| > >> > >My teacher is really giving me a tuff
| > time,"Little Johnny was telling
| > >> > his
| > >> > >Father.
| > >> > >"Handle it this way Johnny," his father
| > advised.
| > >> > >"Take special care with your personal
| > appearance and attire. Pay
| > >> > attention
| > >> > >in class. And do your assignments and
| > homework promptly."
| > >> > >"I really don't think that'll help Dad,
| > Johnny rejoined. "
| > >> > >She hissed at me during study break that
| > she's 3 weeks overdue."
| > >> > >******************************
| > >> > >The pretty teacher was concerned with one of
| > her eleven-year-old
| > >> > students.
| > >> > >Taking him aside after class one day, she
| > asked, "Little Johnny, why
| > >> > has
| > >> > >your school work been so poor lately?"
| > >> > >"I'm in love," the boy replied.
| > >> > >Holding back an urge to smile, she asked,
| > "With whom?"
| > >> > >"With you," he said. "But Johnny," she said
| > gently, "don't you see
| > >> > how
| > >> > >silly that is? It's true that I would like a
| > husband of my own
| > >> > someday.
| > >> > >But
| > >> > >I don't want a child."
| > >> > >"Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly,
| > "I'll use a rubber."
| > >> > >******************************
| > >> > >
| > >> > >The teacher brought a Venus statue in class
| > and asks,
| > >> > >"What do you like best about it, class?
| > >> > >Let's start with you, Robert."
| > >> > >"The artwork," says Robert.
| > >> > >"Very good. And you, Peter?"
| > >> > >"Her tits!" says Peter.
| > >> > >"Peter, get out! Go stand in the hall,"
| > responds the teacher with
| > >> > disgust.
| > >> > >"And you, Johnny?"
| > >> > >"I'm leaving, teacher, I'm leaving..."
| > >> > >******************************
| > >> > >
| > >> > > 3 cheers to johnny!