gud morningggggggggggggg Jokes

Call an unknown phone no - Ramesh hai kya?
She will say " No wrong number".

Again call after five min "Ramesh hai kya"
She will be reasonably annoyed "no this is wrong number".

Again call "Ramesh aa gaya kya"?
She will say "apka dimag kharab hai kya? kyon piche pade ho?

Again call after five min " Ramesh ko phone dena.
She will cry with all galis.
You just drop the phone.

Call after another five min "Main Ramesh bol raha hun, Mera koi phone to nahi aya na?
------------------------
Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the little girl was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?"

"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Nancy patted down the last heap of earth and then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat."
------------------------
A kid was playing with his newly bought play train. After every turn was completed the kid stopped the train and shouted, "Station aa gaya hai! Jis ULLU KE PATHEY ko utarna hai utar jaey!"
Then he let the train go on the round and stopped it again at the same place. He shouted, "Station aa gaya hai! Jis ULLU KE PATHEY ko utarna hai utar jaey!"
And so it went for sometime. Everytime the train stopped the kid would scream the same sentence. His Dad, sitting near him, got a little worried about the kid using bad language. He took the train away from him and scolded the child, "Don't talk like that!"
The kid sat silently for sometime and Dad couldn't bear to see the sad innocent face. He returned the train back to him saying, "Now son, don't talk like that again."
The kid started playing. The train took the same turn and stopped and the kid shouted, "Station aa gaya hai! Jis ULLU KE PATHE ko utarna hai utar jaey! Pehley hee ek ULLU KE PATHEY ke waja se train aadha ghanta late ho gaee hai!"

CHEMISTRY OF GIRLS

SYMBOL MISS
ATOMIC WEIGHT HIGHLY VARIABLE
ATOMIC NUMBER 420

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES

1 BOILS VERY RAPIDLY
2 FREEZE VERY QUICKLY
3 MELTS QUICKLY ON RECEIVING GIFTS


CHEMICAL PROPERTIES

1 VERY ACTIVE AND HIGHLY REACTIVE
2 POSSES GREAT AFFINITY FOR GOLD, SILVER & OTHER COSTLY ITEMS
3 VIOLENT REACTIONS IF MADE TO WAIT & LEFT ALONE
4 TURNS RED WHEN PLACED BESIDES BETTER LOOKING SPECIMEN OF
SAME SPECIES

OTHER PROPERTIES

1 STAINED OR OVER-STAINED WITH POWDER, LIPSTICK & ALL OTHER
COSMETICS
2 NEVER AGES BEYOND SWEET 16
3 CRIES INSTANTANEOUSLY

USES

1 A FAST MEDIUM OF SPREADING TOP SECRETS
2 BEST INCOME OR POCKET MONEY REDUCING AGENT

CAUTION

1 HIGHLY EXPLOSIVE
2 HANDLE WITH CARE & AT UR OWN RISK

Good Ones!!!!!!!!

1. God is real, unless declared integer

2. Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left.

3. Do you have trouble making up your mind? Well, yes or no?

4. Home is where the television is.

5. Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more.

6. Death is hereditary.

7. Many things can be preserved in alcohol. Dignity is not one of them.

8. Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.

9. When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.

10.Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

11.Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like
everyone else..

12.Experience is what a comb gives you after you lose your hair.

13.Well done is better than well said.

14.Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make them when nobody
is looking.

15.They say hard work never hurt anybody, but why take the chance.

16.Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

17.You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

18.I like work. It fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.

19.If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.

20.Pessimist: A person that looks both ways when crossing a one way street.

21.The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlamp of an approaching
train.

22.Where there's a will there are five hundred relatives.

23.I have a drinking problem - I can't afford it.

24.Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

25.LUCK...stands for Labouring Under Correct Knowledge

26.Everyone should have a spouse, because there are a number of things
that go wrong that one can't blame on the government.

27.The evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then
proceed to tell you why it isn't.

28.There are three sides to every argument: your side, my side and
the right side.

29.An expert is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes
it sound confusing

Good Jokes!!!!!!!!

A Boy got a job in a Girls Hostel .


After a month ,

Warden asked: why didn't u came to take ur Salary ?
Boy said: Kya ???

Salary bhi milegi!
-----------------
Hugli Hugli Dugli DUgli Bugli Bugli

Ugly Ugly Bussssssss

Hans mut yeh mantar Rang KAALA karne ka tha jo tune parh liya.....

Ab tera kia hoga KAAALIYAAA....??
------------------------------------------------
Shrabi phoned wife:Main ghar ni aa sakda!

car da stering,gear, deshbord chori ho gya

Aftr smtime he phoned again Main aa riha ha,pehla pichli seat te beh gya c!
-----------------------
Itna khubsurat kaise muskura lete ho...

Itna katil kaise sharma lete ho.. bachpan se hi kamine ho ya surat aise bana lete ho....
------------------------
Ek bacche ki pehli class thi
ghar aakar uski mummi ne poocha- kya seekha school me???
.Baccha bola kuch nahi mummi unhone kal phir bulaya hai. ------(veeraat qwe)
-----------------------------------
Ek sharabi ne bahut sharab pili thi aur bar me lait gaya tha.
Waiter ko dya aa gayi wo bola saheb kursi par baith jaayiye
sharabi bola nahi mei khara hi theek hoon. ------(veeraat qwe)
----------------------------------------------------

Think over it

One day, the father of a very wealthy family took his son on a trip to the country with the express purpose of showing him how poor people live.
They spent a couple of days and nights on the farm of what would be considered a very poor family.
On their return from their trip, the father asked his son, "How was the trip?" "It was great, Dad." "Did you see how poor people live?" the father asked. "Oh yeah," said the son. "So, tell me, what did you learn from the trip?" asked the father.
The son answered: "I saw that we have one dog and they had four. We have a pool that reaches to the middle of our garden and they have a creek that has no end. We have imported lanterns in our garden and they have the stars at night. Our patio reaches to the front yard and they have the whole horizon. We have a small piece of land to live on and they have fields that go beyond our sight. We have servants who serve us, but they serve others. We buy our food, but they grow theirs.
We have walls around our property to protect us, they have friends to protect them." The boy's father was speechless. Then his son added, "Thanks Dad for showing me how poor we are."

Isn't perspective a wonderful thing? Makes you wonder what would happen if we all gave thanks for everything we have, instead of worrying about what we don't have. Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends! "Life is too short and friends are too few."
***************************************************************************

Computer programmer's shayri

Kal jab mile thhe....
to dil mein hua ek sound.
Aur aaj mile to kehte hain...
your file not found!



Jo muddat se hota aaya hai,
woh repeat kar doonga...
Tu naa mili to apni zindagi
ctrl+alt+delete kar doonga...




Shayad mere pyar ko
taste karna bhool gaye...
Dil sey aisa cut kiya
ke paste karna bhool gaye...




Laakhon honge nigaah mein
kabhi mujhe bhi pick karo...
Mere pyaar ke icon pe
kabhi to double-click karo...





Roz subha hum karte hain
py! ar se unhe good morning...
Woh aise ghoor ke dekti hain
jaise 0 errors aur 5 warning...





Aisa bhi nahin hai ke
I don't like your face.
Par dil ke storage mein
No more disk space.




Ghar se jab tum nikale
pehen ke reshmi gown.
Jaane kitne dilon ka
ho gaya Server down.

Just laughs - Santa Banta

An Englishman asked Santa, "How far is land"?
Santa: 2 KMs.
Englishman jumped into sea.
Englishman: Now, which direction?
Santa: Downwards !

**********
Two days of powercut in Delhi had made life miserable. Worst affected was Delhi Metro station where families of Santa & Banta were struck for 48 hrs on escalators.

**********

How did Santa tried to kill a bird??
He took it to the top of a building and dropped it from there to die.

*********
Santa: I have swallowed a Key.
Doctor: When?
Santa: 3 months back!
Doctor: What were you doing till now?
Santa: I was using duplicate key, now I have lost it too.

*********

Lady to inspector Santa: My husband went to buy potatos 5 days ago, he hasn't came back yet!
Santa: Why don't u cook something else? .

**********
An Englishman and Santa inside the toilet.
Englishman: Good evening, how do u do?
Santa: Good evening, we open the zip and do!

***********
Santa opened a petrol pump, but not even one customer went there. You know why?
Because he opened petrol pump on second floor..

***********
Ultimate answer while changing the job.
Interviewer: Why did you changed your last job?
Santa: Because the company shifted and didn't tell me where.

************
Santa and Banta went for a drive.
Santa: Hey, look out from the window, are the indicators working or not?
Banta puts his head out & says "Yes-No, Yes-No, Yes-No, Yes-No!!!"

************
Santa's wife dies. He is calm, but his wife's lover is crying furiously...
Finally, Santa consoles him: Don't worry buddy, I will marry again.

************
Why did Santa keep the door open while bathing?
Because he was afraid that someone might watch him from the key hole.

************
Santa phoned his wife: I am not coming home . The steering, dash board, gears of car have been stolen.
After sometime he calls again: I am coming , earlier I sat on the back seat.


ha...ha....ha....

Fwd: Manager

A Senior Manager working in an MNC, as usual after lunch goes to the cafeteria for coffee.

He relaxes in canteen. He sees a canteen boy cleaning tables there.

To Kill time he decides to have fun with him.

He calls him.

Senior Manager - (Asks canteen boy) : How much do you earn?

Canteen boy smiles...

Senior Manager - what are your future plans?

Canteen boy keeps quiet...

Senior Manager - where do you see yourself 10 years down the line?

Canteen boy gives a cold stare.

Senior Manager - Jab mai Bangalore aaya tha tab mere paas bhi kuch nahi tha.... Aaj mere paas kya nahin hai...

naam hai..........,

shohrat hai.........,

paisa hai............

Izzat Hai.............,

tumhare paas kya hai?

Scroll down to find out his answer

Don't think that he answered like Shashi Kapoor of Deewar ki "Mere

paas Maa hain"


Just Scroll some more..............


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Canteen boy - Sa'ab mere paas bahut KAAM hai....

Senior Manager leaves the cafeteria silently.....

--
Keep Smiling...
__._,_.__

This is what life is

This is what life is everybody are experiancing please be careful when you select a person for your life.

 

 

 

 

 

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
 - David Bassinette

 

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
 - Sacha Guitry

 

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
 - Hemant Joshi??

 

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
 - Socrates

 

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
 - Dumas

 

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?
 - Sigmund Freud

 

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
 - Anonymous

 

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
 - Henny Youngman

 

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
 - Sam Kinison

 

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
 - James Holt McGavran

 

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't."
 - Patrick Murray

 

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
 - Nash

 

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
 - Anonymous

 

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
 - Henny Youngman

 

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
 - Rodney Dangerfield

 

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
 - Milton Berle

 

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.    
 - Anonymous