Little Johnny - Valentine Day Special

Valentine's Day was quickly approaching
and Little Johnny was anxious to receive
and give Valentine cards during his classroom party, mainly because there were two girls,
he was particularly very fond of.

The rest of his class received the usual
"store bought" cheap Valentines that read curtsy "Be Mines" and so..
but he took special care and time in
hand-making two special cards for these two sweethearts in his life.

The first read :-

Roses are Red, Pickles are Green,
I love your legs and wht's in between.
I like your style, I like your class,
But most of all I love your A$$.

And to the other girl he wrote :-

Roses are Stupid,
Violets are Silly!!
Bend over now Babe
'cause here comes my Willlly!!

By all Means... MARRY!

 
  I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
 
David Bissonette
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
 
Sacha Guitry
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.

Hemant Joshi
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Socrates
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.

Dumas
The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, 'What does a woman want?

Sigmund Freud
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Anonymous
'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'

Henny Youngman
'I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.'

Sam Kinison
'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.'

James Holt McGavran
'I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.'

Patrick Murray
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.

Nash
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...

Anonymous
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

Milton Berle
Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.

Anonymous
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'

Anonymous
First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'
Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'

A GK Joke.. Ennnnjoy

 Indian boy on his first day at school in USA..........

Here is a joke about an Indian boy on his first day at school in the USA .

It was the first day at school and a new student named Chandrasekhar Subburaman entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History.

Who said, "Give me Liberty, or give me Death"?
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775" he said.  

"Very good!"
Who said, "Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?"
There was no response except from Chandrasekhar. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863"said Chandrasekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more! About its history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper: "F**k the Indians,"
"Who said that?" she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up. "General Custer, 1862."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm going to puke."
The teacher glares around and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Chandrasekhar says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

 

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? S*ck this!"
Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997"

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."
Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit
to Chandra Levy, 2001."

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're f**ked!"
And Chandrasekhar said quietly, "George Bush, Iraq, 2005."

Some things you just can't explain

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A man comes in
and asks him, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting
drunk?"

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain. Man: So what happened that's
so horrible?

Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the
bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket. Some
things you just can't  explain.

Man: Ok, but that's not so bad.

Man: So what happened then? Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the
post on the left. Man: and then? Farmer: Well, I sat back down and
continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her
right leg and kicked over the bucket. Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So, what did you do then? Farmer: I took her right leg this time and
tied it to the post on the right. I sat back down and began milking her
again. Just as I got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over
the bucket with her tail. Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So, what did you do? Farmer: Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I
took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants
fell down and my wife walked in... Some things you just can't explain.

Johnny 's Dads Secret out

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother, "Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane........"
At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

Little johny strikes again

Teacher: "Children, tomorrow I would like you to give me an example of a development that is currently being built near your home and what are
the advantages of this new development." At the end of the class, the teacher asks that all the little girls remain behind for 5 minutes.
Teacher: "Young ladies, I have received numerous complaints from your parents concerning Little Johnny's' crude remarks. It is very likely that for
tomorrow he is going to say something dirty and that is why I am asking you all, to avoid any further problems, when he says anything that appears rude,
to get up and leave the class room."
Everybody agreed to this plan. Next day, teacher: "Is everybody readywith their assignment? Go ahead Anita."
Anita: "Near my home, a supermarket is being built. Now my mommy doesn't have to walk so far to get bread and milk."
Teacher: "Very good Anita! Yes Koosie!" Koosie: "Near my home, they are building a furniture factory. My daddy is a carpenter and this permits him to work near home."
Teacher: "Excellent, thank you Koosie!"
At this point, little Johnny's hand shoots up and the teacher asks: "Oh heavens, tell me Johnny what new development is being built near your home."
Little Johnny: " Near my home, they are building a brothel ..."
As all the young ladies get up and proceed to leave, Little Johnny says, "Hey relax whores, it hasn't opened yet!"

Johny 's father

Little Johnny was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up --- fireman, policeman, salesman, etc...

Little Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.

"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go out to the alley with some guy and make love with him for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some coloring, and took Little Johnny aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"

"No," said Little Johnny, "He coaches Kentucky football, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."

Johny plays Mommie and daddy - Johnny Jokes

Ten year old Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream...when his mother enters the kitchen. She says, "Put that away Johnny. You can't have ice cream now.
It's too close to supper time. Go outside and play."

Johnny whimpers and says, "There's no one to play with." Trying to placate him, she says, "OK. I'll play with you. What do you want to play?" He says, "I wanna play Mommie and Daddy." Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she says, "Fine, I'll play. What do I do?"
Johnny says, "You go up to the bedroom and lie down."

Figuring that she can easily control the situation...Mom goes upstairs.

Johnny, feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He dons his fathers old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth.

At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway. His mother raises up and says, "What do I do now?" In a gruff manner, Johnny says, "Get your butt downstairs and get that kid some ice cream!"    

 

Johnny....... Joke............ Break from school

One Friday morning, a teacher came up with a novel way to motivate her class. She told them that she would read a quote and the first student to correctly identify who said it would receive the rest of the day off.

She started with "This was England's finest hour." Little Suzy instantly jumped up and said, " Winston Churchill."

"Congratulations said the teacher you may go home."

The teacher then said, "Ask not what your country can do for you." Before she could finish this quote, another young lady belts out, "John F. Kennedy".

"Very good" says the teacher, "you may go."

Irritated that he has missed two golden opportunities, Little Johnny said, "I wish those girls would just shut up."

Upon overhearing this comment, the outraged teacher demanded to know who said it. Johnny instantly rose to his feet and said, "Bill Clinton. I'll see you Monday."
 

Beautiful

The teacher says, "Children, today I will ask each of you to come to the front of the class and use a word in a sentence. Today's word is "beautiful". Little Sally, would you please come up here and use "beautiful" in a sentence?"
Little Sally walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said, "Teacher, my mom is the most beautiful woman in the world." Teacher says, "Very good, Little Sally, you may sit. Little Frankie, your turn."
Little Frankie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said, "Teacher, the sunrise this morning was the most beautiful sunrise I have ever seen."
Teacher says, "Very good, Little Frankie, you may sit. Little Johnny, it's your turn."
Little Johnnie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said, "Teacher, last night my big sister told my dad that she was pregnant and he said, 'Beautiful, just fucking beautiful.'"    
 

Johny learns something new

Little Johnny had become a real nuisance while his father tried to concentrate on his Saturday afternoon poker game with friends and relatives. His father tried every way possible to get Johnny to occupy himself...television, ice cream, homework, video games...but the youngster insisted on running back and forth behind the players and calling out the cards they held.

The other players became so annoyed that they threatened to quit the game and all go home. At this point, the boy's uncle stood up, took Johnny by the hand, and led him out of the room. The uncle soon returned back to the poker table without Johnny, and without comment the game resumed.

For the rest of the afternoon, little Johnny was nowhere to be seen and the card players continued without any further interruptions.

After the poker game ended, the father asked Johnny's uncle, "What in the world did you say to Johnny? I haven't heard a peep from him all day!"

"Not much," the boy's uncle replied. "I just showed him how to masturbate."    
 

Johny Gets Married

Johnny and Susie, each five years old, decided to get married.

So Johnny went to Susie's dad to ask for her hand in marriage. "Where will you live?" asked Susie's dad, thinking this is cute.

"Well," said Johnny, "I figured I could just move into Susie's room. It's plenty big for both of us."

"And how will you live?" "I get $5 a week allowance and Susie gets $5 a week allowance. That's should be enough."

Getting exasperated since Johnny seems to know all the answers, Susie's dad asked, "And what if little ones come along?"

"Well," said Johnny, "we've been lucky so far." 

Johnny The Best :-) Fasinate

The teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. Mary said, "My family went to the New Your City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating." The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word "fascinate."

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My famiy went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was Fascinated." The teacher said, "good, but I wanted the word "fascinate."

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate" so she called on him.

Johnny said, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only "fasten 8."

Health-important tip [Not a Joke]

Health-important notice

Reduce the amount of tea you consume
Do not eat bread which has only JUST been toasted
Keep your distance from hand phone chargers
Drink more water in the morning, less at night
Do not drink coffee twice a day
Reduce the amount of oily food you consume
Best sleeping time is from 10pm at night to 6am in the morning
Do not have HUGE meals after 5pm
Do not take alcohol more than one glass/cup/serving a day
Do not take pills with cool water
Do not lie down immediately after taking medicine before sleeping
Getting less than 8 hours of sleep affects your health
People used to napping will not get old easily
If you can't get do early morning runs, 5pm-8pm in the afternoon is a
great time for jogging
When battery is down to the last grid/bar, do not answer the phone
The radiation is 1000 times
Answer the phone by left ear
It'll spoil your brain directly by using right ear
Do not use headphones/earphone for extended periods of time
Rest your ear awhile after 1 hour
Forward this to friends whom you care about

WHICH TREE DID YOU FALL FROM?

WHICH TREE DID YOU FALL FROM?
--------------------------------------------------------------
     Find your birthday and then find your tree. This is really cool
and somewhat accurate, also in line with Celtic astrology. Then send
it to all your friends, so they can find out what tree they fell from.

***********************************************************************
     Dec 23 to Jan 01 - Apple Tree
     Jan 01 to Jan 11  - Fir Tree
     Jan 12 to Jan 24  - Elm Tree
     Jan 25 to Feb 03 - Cypress Tree
     Feb 04 to Feb 08 - Poplar Tree
     Feb 09 to Feb 18 - Cedar Tree
     Feb 19 to Feb 28 - Pine Tree
     Mar 01 to Mar 10 - Weeping Willow Tree
     Mar 11 to Mar 20 - Lime Tree
     Mar 21 (only)    - Oak Tree
     Mar 22 to Mar 31 - Hazelnut Tree
     Apr 01 to Apr 10  - Rowan Tree
     Apr 11 to Apr 20  - Maple Tree
     Apr 21 to Apr 30  - Walnut Tree
     May 01 to May 14 - Poplar Tree
     May 15 to May 24 - Chestnut Tree
     May 25 to Jun 03  - Ash Tree
     Jun 04 to Jun 13  - Hornbeam Tree
     Jun 14 to Jun 23  - Fig Tree
     Jun 24 (only)    - Birch Tree
     Jun 25 to Jul 04  - Apple Tree
     Jul 05 to Jul 14  - Fir Tree
     Jul 15 to Jul 25 - Elm Tree
     Jul 26 to Aug 04 - Cypress Tree
     Aug 05 to Aug 13 - Poplar Tree
     Aug 14 to Aug 23 - Cedar Tree
     Aug 24 to Sep 02 - Pine Tree
     Sep 03 to Sep 12 - Weeping Willow Tree
     Sep 13 to Sep 22 - Lime Tree
     Sep 23 (only)    - Olive Tree
     Sep 24 to Oct 03 - Hazelnut Tree
     Oct 04 to Oct 13 - Rowan Tree
     Oct 14 t o Oct 23 - Maple Tree
     Oct 24 to Nov 11 - Walnut Tree
     Nov 12 to Nov 21 - Chestnut Tree
     Nov 22 to Dec 01 - Ash Tree
     Dec 02 to Dec 11 - Hornbeam Tree
     Dec 12 to Dec 21 - Fig Tree
     Dec 22 (only)    - Beech Tree

     YOUR TREE (in alphabetical order)


     Apple Tree (Love) -- quiet and shy at times, lots of charm,
appeal,  and attraction, pleasant attitude, flirtatious smile,
adventurous,  sensitive, loyal in love, wants to love and be loved,
faithful and  tender partner, very generous, many talents, loves
children, needs  affectionate partner.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

     Ash Tree (Ambition) -- extremely attractive, vivacious,
impulsive,  demanding, does not care for criticism, ambitious,
intelligent,  talented, likes to play with fate, can be very
egotistic, reliable,  restless lover, sometimes money rules over the
heart, demands  attention, needs love and much emotional support.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Beech Tree (Creative) -- has good taste, concerned about its
looks, materialistic, good organization of life and career,
economical,  good leader, takes no unnecessary risks, reasonable,
splendid lifetime  companion, keen on keeping fit (diets, sports,
etc.).
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Birch Tree (Inspiration) -- vivacious, attractive, elegant,
friendly, unpretentious, modest, does not like anything in excess,
abhors the  vulgar, loves life in nature and in calm, not very
passionate, full  of imagination, little ambition, creates a calm and
content atmosphere.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Cedar Tree (Confidence) -- of rare strength, knows how to adapt,
likes unexpected presents, of good health, not in the least shy,
tends to  look down on others, self-confident, a great speaker,
determined, often  impatient, likes to impress others, has many
talents, industrious,  healthy optimism, waits for the one true love,
able to make quick  decisions.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Chestnut Tree (Honesty) -- of unusual stature, impressive,
well-developed sense of justice, fun to be around, a planner, born
diplomat, can be irritated easily, sensitive of others feelings,  hard
worker, sometimes acts superior, feels not understood at times,
fiercely family oriented, very loyal in love, physically fit.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------
     Cypress Tree (Faithfulness) -- strong, muscular, adaptable,
takes  what life has to give but doesn't necessarily like it, strives
to be  content, optimistic, wants to be financially independent, wants
love  and affection, hates loneliness, passionate lover which cannot
be  satisfied, faithful, quick-tempered at times, can be unruly and
careless, loves to gain know ledge, needs to be needed.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Elm Tree (Noble-mindedness) -- pleasant shape, tasteful clothes,
modest demands, tends not to forgive mistakes, cheerful, likes to
lead but not to obey, honest and faithful partner,  attractive
,charming,loves children,always centre of attraction, likes making
decisions for  others, noble-minded, generous, good sense of humor,
practical.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Fig Tree (Sensibility) -- very strong minded, a bit self-willed,
honest, loyal, independent, hates contradiction or arguments, hard
worker when wants to be, loves life and friends, enjoys children and
animals, few sexual relationships, great sense of humor, has artistic
talent  and great intelligence.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Fir tree (Mysterious) -- extraordinary taste, handles stress
well,  loves anything beautiful, stubborn, tends to care for those
close to them,  hard to trust others, yet a social butterfly, likes
idleness and  laziness after long demanding hours at work, rather
modest,  talented, unselfish, many friends, very reliable.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Hazelnut Tree (Extraordinary) -- charming, sense of humor, very
demanding but can also be very understanding, knows how to make a
lasting impression, active fighter for social causes and politics,
popular, quite moody, sexually oriented, honest, a perfectionist,  has
a precise sense of judgment and expects complete fairness.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Hornbeam Tree (Good Taste) -- of cool beauty, cares for its
looks  and condition, good taste, is not egoistic, makes life as
comfortable as  possible, leads a reasonable and disciplined life,
looks for  kindness and acknowledgment in an emotional partner, dreams
of unusual  lovers, is seldom happy with its feelings, mistrusts most
people, is  never sure of its decisions, very conscientious.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Lime Tree (Doubt) - intelligent, hard working, accepts what life
dishes out, but not before trying to change bad circumstances into
good ones, hates fighting & stress, enjoys getaway vacations, may
appear  tough, but is actually soft and relenting, always willing to
make  sacrifices for family and friends, has many talents but not
always  enough time to use them, can become a complainer, great
leadership qualities, is jealous at times but extremely loyal.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Maple Tree (Independence of Mind) -- no ordinary person, full of
imagination and originality, shy and reserved, ambitious, proud,
self-confident, hungers for new experiences, sometimes nervous, has
many complexities, good memory, learns easily, complicated love life,
wants to impress.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Oak Tree (Brave) -- robust nature, courageous, strong,
unrelenting,  independent, sensible, does not like change, keeps its
feet on the  ground, person of action.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Olive Tree (Wisdom) -- loves sun, warmth and kind feelings,
reasonable, balanced, av oids aggression and violence, tolerant,
cheerful, calm, well-developed sense of justice, sensitive,
empathetic, free  of jealousy, loves to read and the company of
sophisticated people.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Pine Tree (Peacemaker) -- loves agreeable company, craves peace
and  harmony, loves to help others, active imagination, likes to write
poetry, not fashion conscious, great compassion, friendly to all,
falls strongly in love but will leave if betrayed or lied to,
emotionally soft, low self esteem, needs affection and reassurance.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Poplar Tree (Uncertainty) -- looks very decorative, talented,
not  very self-confident, extremely courageous if necessary, needs
goodwill and pleasant surroundings, very choosy, often lonely, great
animosity, great artistic nature, good organizer, tends to lean toward
philosophy, reliable in any situation, takes partnership seriously.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Rowan Tree (Sensitivity) -- full of charm, cheerful, gifted
without  egoism, likes to draw attention, loves life, motion, unrest,
and  even complications, is both dependent and independent, good
taste,  artistic, passionate, emotional, good company, does not
forgive.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Walnut Tree (Passion) -- unrelenting, strange and full of
contrasts,  often egotistic, aggressive, noble, broad horizon,
unexpected  reactions, spontaneous, unlimited ambition, no
flexibility, difficult  and uncommon partner, not always liked but
often admired, ingenious  strategist, very jealous & passionate, no
compromise.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Weeping Willow (Melancholy) - likes to be stress free, loves
family  life, full of hopes and dreams, attractive, very empathetic,
loves anything beautiful, musically inclined, loves to travel to
exotic  places, restless, capricious, honest, can be influenced but is
not  easy to live with when pressured, sometimes demanding, good
intuition,  suffers in love until they find that one loyal, steadfast
partner;  loves to make others laugh

THE SUCCESS OF MARRIAGE

 THE SUCCESS OF MARRIAGE

 Once upon a time a married couple celebrated
 their 25th marriage anniversary. They had become
 famous in the city for not having a single
 conflict in their period of 25 years. Local
 newspaper editors had gathered at the occasion to
 find out the secret of their well known "happy
 going marriage".

 Editor: "Sir. It's amazingly unbelievable. How
 did you make this possible?"

 Husband recalling his old honeymoon days said: "
 We had been to Shimla for honeymoon after
 marriage. Having selected the horse riding
 finally, we both started the ride on different
 horses. My horse was pretty okay but the horse on
 which my wife was riding seemed to be a crazy
 one.
 On the way ahead, that horse jumped suddenly,
 making my wife topple over. Recovering her
 position from the ground, she patted the horse's
 back and said "This is your first time". She
 again climbed the horse and continued with the
 ride. After a while, it happened again. This time  she again kept calm
and said "This is your second
 time" and continued. When the horse dropped her
 third time, she silently took out the revolver
 from the purse and shot the horse dead !!

 I shouted at my wife: "What did you do you
 psycho. You killed the poor animal. Are you
 crazy?" .
 She gave a silent look and said: "This is your
 first time!!!"."

 Husband:"That's it. We are happy ever after. "
 __._,_.___